How I Saved My Life (if you need some advice)

Image: Marilyn Monroe

I used to suffer from depression. The kind that makes you withdraw from the life you can't face, replace eating with drinking, and contemplate ways to end your life.

I used to suffer from Crohn's and/or Celiacs disease (the doctors could never decide which). The kind that leaves you bowled over in pain bleeding out pints in a hospital emergency room.

I used to suffer from chronic pain in my back, arms, and legs. The kind that paralyzes you and has doctors counting inexplainable bruises that cover so much of your body they test you for Leukemia only after ruling out domestic abuse.

I used to suffer from anxiety. The kind that wakes you with a mini heart attack so frightening you have to force feed yourself tranquilizer pills to ease the terror.

I survived all that in the span of 3 years as I fought my way through two breakups, family tragedy, financial ruin, personal failure, and near professional suicide. But I'm happy to report those days are over. I have no health concerns, no life drama, and I'm the happiest (and healthiest) that I have ever been. And so I wanted to share with you the how and why of my healed life.

Chronic unhappiness. I believe all of my dis-eases were manifestations of my misery. My life and the people in it were toxic. I was serving other people and abandoning myself. The physical and emotional responses I was feeling were extreme cries of help by my self (mind, body, and soul) to make changes.

The realisation that I was chronically unhappy should have been obvious. But when you're in it -- it isn't. The self-awareness of my situation didn't just occur to me. I learned it. It had taken me years to create all these unhealthy habits, to change them would take time. Years. A forever in fact that I'm still working on.

The source of this understanding came from a remarkable set of people - healers, spiritualists, and survivors of real life and plenty of personal trial and error. I learned to save myself from myself and for the first time in my life, I abandoned everything and everyone I had been carrying and chose to care for myself instead. My life profoundly changed almost as soon as I began to place my own well-being first.

I learned that I would always have myself and I learned how to listen to myself. I became the force of change in my life. I learned to accept that I would never be able to change other people but it was within my power to change myself -- my thoughts and my actions.

Then, I detoxed my life. And by this I mean more than a diet. I got rid of everything and everyone toxic around me. Every source of pain, grief, guilt, sadness, and anger. I eliminated the relationships and people that drained me, the job and work that pained me. I realised I wasn't as essential as I liked to think I was or as people had led me to believe I was (to get their own way).

My healing work with Algonquin shamans taught me that our wounds are not free -- we pay for them. That resonated with me. We are free to choose whether we deal in a currency of love or pain for gain. According to shamans, we all want to be victims. We learn at a young age that it's the easiest way to get our way. The people closest to you are likely the worst victims in your life. But the biggest obstacle to your own happiness is believing this lie about them and/or yourself. There are no victims. Only unhappy people who carry the pain of the past into the future (most of the time) by being victims in this moment now instead of letting go. Most of us happily waste energy complaining and fueling surface problems we create to mask the real issues we avoid. The truth is we don't really want to fix and heal our lives. The solution is always so easy: change! Admit and eliminate the real problem. But then what?! Then you have to face your self.

Finally, I learned to avoid random relationships and time fillers that were filling the empty spaces in my life. I realised I didn't want other people to complete me. And I didn't want to feed and foster addictions. I learned that empty space is good. In fact, it was divine because it's where I finally found myself.

To all my teachers, I offer deep heartfelt thanks and the humble hope that one day I may repay you. To my greatest spiritual teachers - the people who caused me the most pain in life, I thank you for our experiences and wish you every happiness.

For anyone looking for recommended reading or holistic healers, feel free to send me a message.


Image: fight like a girl